My head has been incredibly foggy for the last 2 days. I've had a lot to ponder. Thinking about all the elements of my life. rearranging them like pieces of a puzzle to see how they all fit together. Feeling like I'm not a "whole" person. Or that who I am isn't really me. I'm just a mirror or self creation of the people in my current surrounding. Adaptable and mold-able. So then when are you a "whole"? Maybe no one is ever really "whole". Our states never stay the same. We're always changing, and growing. So when someone says, "I like who I am". Is it simply a naive statement? Lacking the knowledge of depth of consciousness to truly comprehend. Maybe over thinking this idea is at fault for feeling more lost. Idea's begin to swarm and surround me.
Everything has a solution. But is everything a problem? Our brain attacks any new awareness like a disease that needs to be cured. I thought the solution would be to remove myself from the elements in my life that I didn't want to see, because I couldn't stop them. the constant self absorbed egoistic ramblings of people, who place their beliefs in the external. Never growing, never changing, remaining closed and constant. In an endless re-iteration of the same; from sunrise to sunset.
I feel enraged and tortured, surrounded by this.
This is only the latter problem of my mental maze I've been lost in. The first was dealing with my new awareness of my own consumer driven life up to this point. Which was a lot to handle at first. On its own, seeing the lack of sight for this place. People from all over flock here to do the same thing they do at home. Only, they can do it wearing phony cultural touristic attire. Tho the 2 worlds may be in one place, they will never meet. I've seen 5 worlds while here so far.
1. The free thinking, do gooder types.
2.The tourist luxury vacationers
3. The spiritual life changing path seekers
4. The all for one, non material, non structural, non responsibility runners from all their own shitty home lives.
5.Those who come to give you food and better your lives, if you worship their god.
I'm aware of my cynical tone. I'm in a cynical place. Tho I most related to group 4 because of it's live for yourself aspect, and not answering to anyone or any rule. But don't take that as an irresponsible endeavor. I mean in the way of Following yourself. Being your own guide in life. Not adhering to societal constructs and behaviours. But living true to yourself and your heart. I couldn't run forevour. But the idea of dropping off the map for a bit and just dancing to the rhythm of the earth and going where I shall go, is my am-biotic Jumanji within. And someday I will fullfil this tune. But I've decided for the surcomstances for this will remain light, but can spark at any time. For now I'll grit my teeth and bare my surroundings and envy those who are aligned with this impulse.
Today I got to make the meal for all the community children in La Pinada. I unwrapped individually packaged mini hot dogs and used a knife blade with no handle to cut them up. Quite a large blade too. A young girl (12-13 yrs old) also used this blade to cut the skin off "poco papa's". They only had 2 knives and a clever. No pairing knives, and not even a peeler. I can't imagine a household in Canada or any industrialized country not having a peeler. We cooked over a stove. But it wasn't being used properly. The door was open. The chimney seal was non existent. None of the women cooking had a stove in their casa's from what I saw yesturday when Walking around. They made sure to tell me how much they wanted one.
I made a zillion misshaped Tortilla's by hand with Karen, Margarita and some of the other volunteers. I stayed to help for the duration tho. We had a good chuckle back and forth lost in translations, using hand gestures and my 20 words of vocabulary to decipher it all.
Serving lunch was hard today, as the kids came in their hands were checked to see if they were clean and a vitamin was shoved in their mouth and they were monitored to make sure they ate it before they could sit down. I found this rather disturbing. They were all quite willing to eat it. The boys all wanted 2 so they could grow extra big and strong. I saw one girl throw her gum on the floor before going in. I had her pick it up and put it in the "Bano", but saw later she just thru it on the floor in their too.
We sang some christian songs before lunch with the kids. I partook despite my own oppinions and beliefs.
Food portioning then began, the kids helped out with dispensing the vitamin water and bowls. Near the end we almost were out of rice/papas, so the portioning was getting smaller and smaller. The idea of eating the food prepared for the kids who were trying to take some home for parents was soul shattering. And any desire to eat had vanished as an option. I ate a tortilla a bit later, but it left a taste of bitter taste on my tongue. This was the first time I've skipped a meal by choice I think.
Never in my life has the thought of eating been ripped from my routine.
The kids cleaned up, then we did some art. They all had paper and a pencil in their hand, but waited to be instructed on what to draw. Their names were all neatly placed on the corner as well. Most wanted me to draw something for them. I tried to tell them to just do whatever. Let their creativity flourish and take over. I drew up some random examples, like a smiling sun, a volcano like the one out their windows. We had crayons, paint and markers for them to experiment with. Needed more brushes tho.
Once they started they became possessed. whipping out picture after picture. I then started putting them up with tape to decorated the newly painting Feeding center we had helped paint the day before. Once they saw their drawings going up on the walls, they were running towards me to have picture after picture put up, more paper! More pictures! The energy and excitement, and pure joy surrounding each of them was awe inspiring. One girl couldn't seem to get very far. I had a bit of trouble with her at first. She didn't like my ear gages, or my lip stud. She actually spit on the ground to show her disgust over it. I kindly had her grab a mop and clean it up.
Hilmar gave me a hug and told me it was some of the kids first time doing art ever. Never drawn a picture before. Although I was running around getting supplies and taping stuff up on the walls, I wish I could have sat down with them more to show them some things. But I'm so happy I could give them an opportunity to express themselves. A curriculum writer I met last night, who helped me find where to get the Bristol board, told me that in school here their isn't any outside the box thinking, and definitely no discussions. They do a lot of memorizing and that's about it.
After all the art was cleaned up we were on our way back to the truck to go back to Antigua. and the faces that were just overwhelmed with joy and happiness had fallen and they were carrying bricks on their heads about a mile to a plot of land for a new house. Some carried them on their backs. others their head. They were on a hill with about a 75 Degree incline upwards to get the bricks too. Some other Canadians who were their to build the house were helping as well, but seeing these young kids have to do this kind of work and having Hilmar simply say this is how it is here was not comforting. On my way out I assisted one of the girls with placing the brick on her head. Her pictures were some of the best out of the whole lot. I watched her walk down the hill with one hand on the brick, and her younger brothers in the other. That is strength.