"For no particular reason, I cannot help adding a thought
that often occurs to me. Not only did I start drawing
relatively late in life, but it may well be that I shall not be
able to count on many more years of life either.
If I think about it dispassionately - as if making
calculations for an estimate or a specification - then it is in
the nature of things that I cannot possibly know anything
definitely about it.
But by comparison with various people with whose lives one
may be familiar, or by comparison with some with whom one is
supposed to have some things in common, one can draw certain
conclusions which are not completely without foundation.
So, as to the time I still have ahead of me for work, I
think I may safely presume that my body will hold up for a
certain number of years quand bien même [in spite
of everything] - a certain number between 6 and 10, say. (I can
assume this the more safely as there is for the time being no
immediate quand bien même.)
This is the period on which I count firmly. For the
rest, it would be speculating far too wildly for me to dare
make a definite pronouncements about myself, seeing that it
depends precisely on those first, say, ten years as to whether
or not there will be anything after that time.
If one wears oneself out during these years then one won't
live beyond 40. If one conserves enough strength to withstand
the sort of shocks that tend to befall one, and manages to deal
with various more or less complicated physical problems, then
by the age of 40 to 50 one is back on a new, relatively normal
course.
But such calculations are not relevant at present.
Instead, as I started to say, one should plan for a period of
between 5 and 10 years. I do not intend to spare myself, to
avoid emotions or difficulties - it makes comparatively little
difference to me whether I go on living for a shorter or longer
time - besides I am not competent to manage my constitution the
way, say, a physician is able to. And so I go on like an
ignoramus, one who knows just one thing: within a few
years I must have done a certain amount of work - I don't
need to rush, for there is no point in that, but I must
carry on working in complete calm and serenity, as
regularly and with as much concentration as possible, as much
to the point as possible. The world concerns me only in so far
as I owe it certain debt and duty, so to speak,
because I have walked this earth for 30 years, and out of
gratitude would like to leave some memento in the form of
drawings and paintings - not made to please this school or
that, but to express a genuine human feeling. So that work is
my aim - and when one concentrates on this idea, everything one
does is simplified, in that it is not muddled but has a single
objective. At present the work is going slowly - one reason
more not to lose any time.
Guillaume Régamey was, I think, someone who left
behind no particular reputation (you know there are two
Régameys, F. Régamey paints Japanese people, and
is his brother), but is nevertheless a personality for whom I
have a great respect. He died at the age of 38, and one period
of his life lasting 6 or 7 years was almost exclusively devoted
to drawings with a highly distinctive style, done while he
worked under some physical handicap. He is one of many - a very
good one among many good ones.
I don't mention him to compare myself with him, I am not as
good as he was, but to cite a specific example of self-control
and willpower, sustained by one inspiring idea, which in
difficult circumstances nevertheless showed him how to do good
work with utter serenity.
That is how I regard myself, as having to accomplish in a
few years something full of heart and love, and to do it with a
will. Should I live longer, tant mieux, [so much the better]
but I put that out of my mind. Something must be
accomplished in those few years, this thought guides
all my plans. You will understand better now why I have a
yearning to press on - and at the same time some determination
to use simple means. And perhaps you will also be able to
understand that as far as I am concerned I do not consider my
studies in isolation but always think of my work as a
whole."
-Vincent Van Gogh
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